You Can’t Fully Love Others If You Don’t Love Yourself

“You can’t love others until you love yourself.” 

As uneasy, uncomfortable, or even triggering as this statement may sound, it holds a deep truth.

When you don’t genuinely love yourself, what you offer others often isn’t love—it’s need. A need shaped by conditioning, obligation, and fear. Love then becomes something you perform rather than feel: driven by the fear of being alone, forgotten, or become irrelevant in someone else’s life. Without self-love, what you give in the name of love is often a form of compensation for a lack of self-worth.

When you’re unaware of this absence of self-love, you begin to confuse choosing people with clinging to them. You don’t simply give love—you trade it for validation. Boundaries feel dangerous because you fear they’ll push people away. You smile or stay silent when someone hurts you, telling yourself you don’t want to hurt them, when in reality you’re protecting yourself from the discomfort of addressing their behavior. You tolerate disrespect in the name of love. This isn’t love—it’s self-betrayal.

So, what does self-love truly mean? And is it selfish?

Self-love means realizing you don’t have to shrink yourself to make others shine. It means understanding that asking for what you deserve doesn’t make you an inconvenience. You stop overexplaining and oversharing just to feel accepted. You recognize, fully and unapologetically, that you are as worthy as anyone else. You finally acknowledge this truth: ‘you are an asset, not a liability’.

Practicing self-love isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect and self-acceptance.

With self-love, you realize you are not just “good enough,” but already complete within yourself. Your love for others evolves into something unconditional and free. You give generously without keeping score. You give without losing yourself. You find the strength to walk away when respect is no longer present. You choose your health and well-being over chaos and melodrama. You preserve your energy instead of giving it to those who cannot—or will not—understand you. You stop mistaking acquaintances for deep connections. You give in reciprocity, not depletion. You flow instead of forcing. You stop chasing relationships and start nurturing the ones that truly value you for who you are.

Loving yourself is an act of courage.

Self-love is difficult because society has conditioned women, especially, to prioritize others’ emotional needs above their own. The idea of a “good woman” often means endless giving—placing herself at the very end of the queue. Rest, pause, or downtime is only considered acceptable when justified by illness, as if permission must be granted. Otherwise, choosing rest is labeled selfish.

Self-love requires a conscious, daily decision to choose yourself.

It begins with the basics: eating well, staying hydrated, and allowing your body to rest. As simple as these may sound, women often neglect them. When your physical body is depleted, the space for self-love shrinks drastically. Choosing self-love also means facing your wounds rather than repressing them. It means taking responsibility for your healing—whether through formal support or personal inner work. This process can feel daunting and vulnerable, but it is deeply rewarding. Through healing and empowerment, you step into self-love—and it’s there you meet the best version of yourself.

So don’t overthink it. Make the decision to choose yourself and courageously begin your journey of self-love. And remember:

You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you want to care for others, you must first care for yourself. If you don’t begin loving yourself, resentment and bitterness will quietly replace love for others.

So, choose yourself—and let real love begin.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you.

- Namrat Mohan

- Registered Psychotherapist